The Dreaded Job Search

Now that we’re back from the beach, it’s time to tackle the thing that is causing most of my anxiety right now – the Job Search. I’ve got the fancy piece of paper that says I graduated, I’ve started paying on some of my student loans, it’s time.

I have a number of anxieties – money being the first. My student loan payments are intense, and I need a job that will cover them. If it doesn’t? I guess I’ll be working a second job. Which is exactly what I don’t want to do.

But I’m also terrified that hiring managers will look at my resume and immediately toss it in the no stack and think that I’m not qualified. I mean, sure, I’m new to the business side of things, but I have marketable skills. I have the MBA. I can do this. I know I can do this. But after five years at the same job, doing the same thing, I’m terrified of the change. But this is what I’ve worked for for the last two and a half years, isn’t it?

It is.

So it’s time to put on the big girl pants and do what I need to do.

I’m off on Friday. It begins then.

PS – I turned 35 last week. It’s time for a new chapter.

An open letter to my sixteen year old self

Dear Self,I wish I could start out by telling you that your life is going to be nothing but wonderful and you’ll never struggle a day in your life. But that’s not life – that’s not reality. You will struggle at times, but I promise that the struggle will be worth it. To see all of your hard work and sacrifice pay off is a great feeling.  
Your life isn’t going to turn out like you expected. It won’t be easy – you’ll even drop out of college at one point. But you’ll find yourself in unexpected places doing unexpected things. If I told you that in 29 years you’d have a degree in biochemistry and an MBA you wouldn’t believe me. But those are facts. Your journey to this place will be strange, but you’ll learn a lot both in and out of the classroom, and especially about yourself. Don’t pass on opportunities just because they might be hard, or not something that you want to dedicate yourself to. Take them all and learn from them. The best lessons can often be found in unexpected places.  

Don’t despair that you still don’t have a boyfriend. Because your first real boyfriend? You’ll end up marrying him. And he’s amazing. Every woman likes to think her husband is the best man in the world, but at least to me, mine really is. He’s stuck by me though so many ups and downs I can’t even begin to count. He genuinely is a good man. Pap was thrilled when I married him, and I know that his approval is important to you.  

I also want to tell you its ok to be yourself. Don’t try so hard to put yourself in a mold just to fit in. Your true friends will like you for who you are, not who you try to be. And once you figure out who you are, don’t stick yourself into another mold to fit in with people like you. It’s ok to be nerdy, its ok to be girly, and its ok to be both at the same time. Don’t let anyone dictate who you are or the things that you like. Be true to yourself, and no matter what happens you’ll always be happy. 

So embrace the nerd, embrace the girl, and don’t worry about the lack of boyfriend. It’ll all sort itself out in the end. 


The 35-year old you 

Why I write

I can’t imagine that there’s anyone out there that actually cares what I think, or what I want to write about. I’m not narcissistic enough to believe that what I say will really impact anyone out there. But I put these thoughts out into the ether in hopes that maybe, someday, someone will read them and something will resonate with them. Is that you? Maybe. Maybe not.

I read The Princess Diarist by Carrie Fisher last night while at work. In it are exerpts from her journals during the shooting of A New Hope. The way she writes… While I enjoyed the book, her writing made me feel inadequate. I mean really, who talks like that? Especially in something that they assume that no one will ever read other than themselves? I’ve read a number of things that do that same thing recently. Blogs I can kind of understand as the whole point of them is for other people to read them. But some of the prose that’s used, the wording, the cadence, just sometimes reads as kind of forced.

One interesting thing I noticed in Carrie Fisher’s writings is that you can definitely see some of the bipolar coming through, they have a bit of a manic-y feel to them. Overall an interesting read if you like Carrie Fisher or are into Star Wars.

I’ve got nothing else today. Vacation started at 630 this morning and my brain is mush.


The U2 Concert

Last night was the U2 concert. It was amazing. Mike called it the “once in a lifetime” concert, as who knows how much longer they’re going to tour. You figure they’re all in their late 50s at this point, how much longer can they really keep that kind of touring schedule up?

2017-06-07 21.12.02

Anyway, the show was amazing. At one point I looked across the stadium and thousands of people had the lights lit on their cell phones and for a minute I felt like I was part of something bigger. We were all there for the same reason. It was a beautiful moment. Sometimes it’s just nice to have the feeling that you aren’t alone in the world.

Some random ramblings

Thanks to my husband for talking me through the fog, and thanks to my psychiatrist for upping my dosage of Risperdal, the negative thoughts have mostly subsided. In the meantime, I’ve developed an eye twitch. Also probably anxiety related. But it’s a lot better than the alternative. This is just mildly uncomfortable when it starts up, but it only lasts a few seconds and then goes away. Sometimes it comes back right away, sometimes it’s a few hours later. At one point I actually thought it was gone as it had been so long since it had twitched, but no, on my way home from work it started.

But in talking to both Mike and my shrink I’ve come to realize that despite classes being over and being done with my degree there’s still a lot to be anxious about. I’m going to be entering a new phase of my life. Most likely I’ll be leaving science behind and entering the business world in some capacity. It’s a total change from everything I know and I’ll be going into the unknown. (Although if we’re being honest I’m most definitely not going to miss working night shift and weekends.) Lab work is all I’ve known for the past seven years – eleven if you count undergrad. I’ve been at my current job for five years. That’s a long time by any stretch, but it’s the job that I know. The job that I’m comfortable in. Leaving it and entering something new is both exciting and terrifying at the same time.

There’s a thousand questions – will I work downtown? Will I have to work crazy hours? How will my life change? Will it be for the better? What direction is my life going to go in?

But I’m trying to be optimistic in the face of all of the anxiety I feel about it. I have to believe this will be a change for the better – no more night shift, no more 12 hour shifts, no more stress of making a mistake could kill someone, hopefully more time at home and more with Mike, more time with friends… I have to believe that this will be a good thing.

I think I’ve finally got my resume under control. So I’m hoping Friday to sit down and start applying for jobs. I have to move on this soon – student loans are going to be coming due soon and I can’t afford them on my current salary. And aside from that I’m incredibly not happy at my current job. They’ve known for awhile that I’d be leaving most likely this summer, so they already have my replacement hired and trained. I swear they’re looking for one good excuse to fire me and get me out of there so they don’t have to pay both of us. I voiced this to one of my coworkers who claims that they would never do that if only because morale would drop so much because they’d all know the real reason I was fired. On some level I honestly expected to be fired on Monday, but that didn’t happen so that’s good.

In other news, Mike and I are home improvement city. We had the furnace and air conditioner replaced about a month ago (our old ones were 25 years old and when they came out to service each of them last year the tech told us that they’d last us through that season, but after that they weren’t going to hold out much longer, we just decided to get ahead of the curve and replace them before they blew. We got a nice discount for doing both at the same time, so that was nice). Since then we’ve had a roofer come out and give us an estimate on putting in a roof vent or two, a concrete guy come out and give us an estimate on fixing the concrete pad that makes up the floor of the front porch (it leaks into the basement), etc. (These are all things that were budgeted for before the student loans and desperately need to be done.) Hopefully after this round nothing new pops up and we can go a year without a major project.

I just need to put my life back in order – a new job, get everything that needs to be done around the house done, and settle the hell down.