Do you know where your llama is?

It’s been awhile, hasn’t it? I worked 26 days straight between the two jobs, and by yesterday I was dead. I was exhausted, had a low-grade fever, my stomach was acting up… I ended up calling off for the last day of that stretch. I just couldn’t do it. I ended up sleeping on the couch until 4 PM. Clearly, I needed it, because I don’t sleep like that unless I’m sick or dealing with an episode. All looks clear on the mental health front, so I’m guessing it was just due to overwork and my body finally said “hell no” to another day working. I ended up doing nothing the whole day, other than finally finishing Broadchurch and making some progress on The Crown, and it was glorious. I never got out of my pajamas, I ate leftover pizza and generally was a lump on the couch.

I was talking with a friend of mine about anxiety (she suffers, too), and about how it’s constantly the monkey on our back. I know personally, even when my bipolar is in control and I’m in a euthymic mood state, the anxiety is still there. It gnaws at me constantly, telling me how everything I do is wrong and how all I’m going to do is screw up everything in my life. It ends up with a lot of self-sabotage. For example, I almost walked out of my full-time job a few weeks ago. It was one of those nights where nothing was going right and we were getting killed, and I was convinced that I was going to be fired for some (probably) minor thing that in reality, I had no control over. My thought process was that it was better to do it myself rather than wait for the hammer to fall. And you know what? I didn’t get fired. Nothing really went all that wrong that night, but at the time, it felt like everything I did was the wrong thing. That niggling voice in my head convinced that this was it. The end of the line.

But it’s funny what anxiety can convince you of – you’re going to be fired, your husband is going to leave you, the house is going to be foreclosed on (ignoring the fact that you haven’t missed a payment), you’re never going to find a job in your field that pays enough, your friends don’t actually like you, and on and on and on. I know that none of these thoughts are rational, and I’ve spent a hell of a long time in therapy learning to identify these thoughts and brush them aside. But when you’re in the throes of it, it’s so damn hard to keep a clear head and remember the things that you’ve learned. That little, annoying voice gets louder and louder and louder until it blocks out any rational thought, and all your left with are these thoughts jumping around inside of your head that you know, on some level at least, are false. But you can’t make them shut up.

When you’re finally back to your rational mind you know that everything that your brain has been feeding you is false. But it all felt real. It sounded plausible. It made sense. And you feel like a crazy person for ever having believed it.

This is the monkey on my back. This is anxiety for me. And I wish I knew a way to make it shut the hell up once and for all.