Regrets and the current state of affairs

I have a lot of regrets, and if I’m really being honest, I’m not happy with the direction my life has taken up to this point. But, I’ve started working on changing that – really knuckling under and making time to look for a new job, trying to get my finances in order, etc. But at the end of the day, yeah, I’m not happy. Not in the slightest.

I shouldn’t have gone back to college in the first place. I should have done the smart thing and gone to a trade school to be a mechanic or a welder or something along those lines. Going back and getting a 4-year degree is one of the biggest regrets of my life. It put me tens (that’s an under-exaggeration if ever I heard one) of thousands of dollars in debt. I don’t really care for the field I’m in. And when I wanted to change jobs, it was more of the same kind of place that I’m currently working. And I don’t want to do this anymore. My second regret is going back and getting an MBA. I fully understand that that is literally the only hope I have of getting out of the field I’m currently in, but yet again, more debt. But at the end of the day, everything related to my education I regret. A lot.

I shouldn’t regret getting an education. It should be something I’m proud of. But all I can think of is the debt that comes along with it, and the lack of success I’ve had finding a job. And I really think I should have just gone to be a mechanic and have been done with it. But that’s not something you do in my family. Everyone goes to college. It’s just how it is. And when I dropped out of Pitt, I felt a lot of pressure for the next three years to go back and finish. I wish I would have told them all to go hang.  I think that in the long run, I would have been a lot happier. Definitely a lot less stressed. Dear College Education, I shouldn’t have done you. You were a waste of time, money, and effort. I shouldn’t have listened to my family and instead did something totally different. Maybe I’d be no better off, but I wouldn’t have all of this debt. Or stuck in this godforsaken job. Maybe it would be another godforsaken job, but it wouldn’t be this one.

Between the house and our cars, we’ve had a number of things go wrong in the past year, and everything ended up getting put onto credit cards. We didn’t have a choice – we needed a new furnace/AC, we had to get the roof fixed, Mike’s car needed a couple thousand in repairs, the list goes on. But it’s put us in a bad spot right now. But I’m working on fixing it, and I’m starting to make some progress, but it’s going to be a long road.

I hate to even say this, but sometimes I regret staying with Mike. It’s not that I feel that I’d be better off alone, but more along the lines of he wouldn’t be saddled with me and all of my issues. And to be honest, there really are times when I would just rather be alone. I know that sounds selfish and kind of insane – I have a supportive partner that loves me and treats me well, why would I want to give that up? Sometimes I think it’s because then the only life I’d be screwing up would be my own and I wouldn’t be dragging him along for the ride to hell. He doesn’t deserve it.

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be happy. I mean really, genuinely happy with life and the direction it’s going. I look at people I know that seemed to have gotten everything they’ve wanted, and I have to wonder if they’re even happy with that? Or do they just keep wanting more? Another promotion, a bigger house, another kid. Where and when does it end?

My mood these days is… brittle. Maybe that’s not the right word, but it’s all I can come up with. Generally, it’s fine (ok, my anxiety is still pretty bad, but that’s mostly manageable), but it feels as though one good hit and it’s going to break. Nothing is really wrong, per se… but I feel a little off-kilter. Not really unstable, but more like on uneven footing. A small pebble shifting will cause the whole hillside to go.

I’ll get through it; I always do. I just hate feeling like this. I hate all of it. I just wish I was a typical person that didn’t have to worry about these kinds of things, that didn’t have to feel these kinds of things. That didn’t have to worry that they were on the verge of their life falling apart because of an episode.

I need a new job. And a vacation. And a stiff drink.

The drink I can at least do something about right now. It’s White Russian time.

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