I normally hate the holidays and this time of year

Hello, readers. I’ve been meaning to post for a few weeks, at least. I have a lot I want to say, but haven’t really been able to find the words to say it all. So bear with me while I do my best.

This time of year is normally hell for me. My mood is in the tank, I’m grumpy, the song “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” should be my theme song. This year, it’s like I’m a different person. I’m in a good mood, I’m sleeping well. I’m not dreading Christmas (in fact, I’m having a ton of fun – convinced my family to do an ugly sweater competition, had a good time picking out gifts for everyone, and while we didn’t put up a tree I enjoyed putting up the rest of the decorations). I attribute the change to a few things – first, I started taking melatonin again, a different kind this time. Despite the fact that it had never really worked before. But it’s working now. I’m sleeping through the night, and it’s a better quality sleep than I’ve gotten in years. Second, my shrink convinced me to start using a light box. Despite the fact that I was ready to call it bunk, my mom told me they had one that my brother never used and I was welcome to it. I figured hey, what the hell. We’ll give it a shot. Thank you, Vitamin D. Also helps that the weather has been really dreary the last few weeks and getting a dose of “sunlight” has been beneficial. On the upside, the days are now getting longer again, so I made it through the worst of it. And lastly, I don’t have that hellacious excuse for a job hanging over my head causing constant anxiety and stress. So, all in all, I’m having a pretty good winter so far. I’m actually, *gasp* enjoying the holiday season.

On to something that’s been on my mind.

I read a thing on either Facebook or Instagram recently that if someone’s opinion of you is better than yours is of you, you should trust their’s over yours.

OK, so. There’s a lot to unpack here.

On the surface, this sounds great – the people you’re close to, the people that you associate with, are more likely to have a positive opinion of you – see all of the things that you’ve accomplished, see all of the good that you do, see and appreciate your hard work, etc. What their opinion doesn’t take into account is all of the negatives that you see yourself – the things that you haven’t accomplished, the time that you’ve wasted, the things you want to do better. And that’s not a bad thing. You should be proud of yourself, and be able to view yourself in a positive light. But when you have anxiety and mental illness that’s often easier said than done. The negative things get pushed to the surface.

So how do we reconcile the good with the bad to really get a good picture of ourselves? I don’t know. Whenever I think about it, every positive I come up with doesn’t get balanced by the negative, it gets overshadowed by it. Outweighed by it.

I don’t know. Because of all of this my sense of self and self-confidence is shot.

We’ve got new insurance. It might be time to see if my therapist is covered and go back and see him.

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