I honestly don’t know anymore. I had thought that getting an MBA would solve all of my problems. I could get out of the medical field, which I was starting to hate, I could find a new job quickly making more money…
Yeah. That hasn’t happened. We’re struggling financially, and it’s all my fault. Everything is my fault. I tried to do something that would put us in a better position. And here we are in a worse one. Once again, I fucked up. I’m the Queen of Fuck Ups. I do things with good intentions, and things never work out. I don’t know why I even bother anymore.
But then I go to therapy, and my therapist keeps telling me that these thoughts aren’t real. While they may hold some water, everything is not entirely my fault. I try to internalize that like I internalize the negativity, but it just doesn’t stick. The negativity still comes back, time after time. And honest to God, it’s only by the grace of my meds and years of therapy that I haven’t slipped into another catastrophic depression. I’m trying to hold on to hope, but what no one tells you is that it’s so hard to hang on to that sliver of light when all of your thoughts are so dark. The darkness overtakes any light that tries to shine.
I’m trying to beat back the darkness; trying to hold on to that little glimmer of light. But it’s just so damn hard. I so badly want to give up.