Why is it I check all of the boxes of negative things, but never the positive?

The latest and greatest of therapy this week was all about cognitive distortions. We’ve been working on identifying emotions rather than shoving them in the garbage can. I’m making definite progress there, but I seem to have the problem that sometimes I can’t distinguish between an emotion and a physical state of being. The “I statements” sometimes look something like this.

I feel tired when we stay up late watching Parks and Rec because I had to get up early and didn’t get up sleep.

Yeah. While true, that’s not what I’m aiming for. I’ve found those I statements to be rather helpful in teasing this out.

So we moved on this week to cognitive distortions.

Why is it, all of the of the things you’re not supposed to do or think I do? How has my thought process become so negative? Has it always been this way? I really can’t remember a time that I didn’t do or think at least some of these ways. In some ways it’s kind of terrifying. I’m honestly starting to question how the hell I’ve gone through life like this.

Do I get enjoyment out of anything? Or do I just do things because it’s expected or because I have to? I honestly don’t know. I mean, I have fun doing this. I enjoy reading. I enjoying hanging out with my husband. But… everything else? Gardening? I mean… I guess I enjoy it. I hate weeding, but who doesn’t? All of the crafty stuff that I do? I honestly started crocheting and cross stitching as a stress relief. It was suggested by my doctor. Would I have started otherwise? Probably not.

I enjoy concerts. I’m not sure I enjoy movies or TV, really. Most of the time I’m curious how a story ends (damn you sequels and period dramas), either from an earlier movie/episode/etc. Or how a story unfolds because the trailer made the story look interesting.

Er….

I’m just really confused at this point. Maybe this is why I have such a hard time getting out of bed in the morning.

The one thing I’ve always hated about therapy is that for every issue you start to work through six more pop up.

Damn you psychology. Damn you mental illness. Damn you dysfunctional brain.

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