I’m quite literally a bundle of nerves

I have an interview tomorrow. A big one. This is one of the last hurdles to clear for the position. And I’m utterly terrified. I know, academically, that it’s my anxiety and two years of a combination of hearing nothing back and thanks but no thanks emails talking, but I can’t help it. I’m literally terrified. I so badly need this to go well, and I know if it doesn’t it’s my own fault. Or maybe the anxiety’s fault. Either way. This has to go well. This will go well.

I need to remember the words from The Help:

I am kind.
I am smart.
I am important.

On paper I tick all of the boxes – between my education and experience it would be a really good fit. But we’ve all either seen someone or experienced ourselves rejection for something that should be a sure thing. We’ve all gotten our hopes up only to have them dashed at the last minute. We all have those moments that we replay in our heads – even years later – because we know we fucked up, or said the wrong thing, or just even dropped the ball.

I can’t drop the ball tomorrow. I need to be at the top of my game. I need to be social and confident and charming. Generally, all of the things that I am not, usually.

I should be confident. I’m well educated, I’m smart, I have an impressive background. I am worthy.

Now I just need to convince myself of all of these things.

Do you know how hard that is with chronic self-esteem so bad to the point where you’re in therapy for it? The internal dialogue goes something like this.

Self: I am well-educated and smart.
Brain: You didn’t get your degree from a top-level school and you almost bombed out because you suck at accounting.
Self: It was one class my first term. I pulled As and high Bs the rest of the program.
Brain: But where has that education gotten you so far? You’re a cashier at a big box store.
Self: Not for lack of trying. It’s hard finding a good fit when your background is science and business. Two completely different areas of study. Two completely different skill sets. I can tell you all about the Kreb’s cycle and in the next breath talk about what keeps shareholders happy.
Brain: Pssht. What good is all of that theoretical knowledge? Nothing.

I hate you, brain. I hate just about everything about you. I hate what you’ve become – that you’ve let negative thinking hijack all thought patterns and twist my self-perception into something abnormal and dirty and untrue. I hate that you’ve caused me to think so little of myself that I feel like I deserve this half-life I’m living, feeling like I’m a burden on literally everyone I know. Feeling like I don’t deserve the friendships and relationships I have with people.

I need to take the advice of Chris Traeger from Parks and Rec: There is literally nothing that you can’t do.

Thanks, Chris. I needed that.

Wish me luck. Tomorrow I’m off to hopefully change my life.

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