I haven’t heard anything back from the job last week, and I’m trying not to go into panic mode. Last time it took a week to get back to me, and the guy I interviewed with did say that he was moving me onto the next stage. Still, the panic is creeping in. I’m still applying for other jobs, but while this isn’t my dream job, I think it would be a really good jumping off point for my career.
My mental health is surprisingly…ok. It’s not great, by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s ok. I’m motivated to do things, I’m getting things done. I’m not wallowing on the couch in depression, but I’m not doing 6,000 things and not sleeping. I’m kind of cruising in this middle ground where things aren’t peachy, but I’m not actively in an episode or even skirting the edge of one. My biggest problem is the apathy. I’m not really feeling a lot of emotion. I just kind of am, if that makes sense. I’m enjoying things like my hobbies and hanging with my husband and my cats, but I’m not getting super excited about things. Is this how most people feel? I’ve been dealing with this disorder so long and its highs and lows that I’m not entirely sure what the middle ground feels like.
There are things I want to do – I want to get a bike and start biking to work out. I want to try space photography. Too bad I don’t have the cash on hand to do either of these things. But this illustrates my point – I have interests again, I want to try new things. What I really need to do is find something social to do. I volunteered to be a freshman mentor again at my alma mater. But I really need find something that will get me out of the house and be with people. Maybe I’ll join a crafting circle, or something. Might have to check out Meet Up and see if there’s anything local.
I guess at the end of the day I’m kind of lonely. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends, and I seem to be talking to some of them more recently than normal just to chat, but I kind of want to actually do things.
But the thought of meeting new people and going to do stuff scares the crap out of me. Thanks, social anxiety. I really appreciate everything that you do for me. Asshole.
We’ve given my anxiety a name. It’s name is Brian, and Brian really is an asshole. I don’t like Brian much, but I can’t seem to get rid of him. He’s always hanging around and tends to make a nuisance of himself. He keeps me from doing things, or really experiencing things. He’s always whispering in my ear telling me things that aren’t true. And because he sounds so much like me, my brain tends to believe him. Any ideas how to shut Brian the hell up? I’m open to suggestions.
I’ve made a few big changes to the way I live life recently. A friend of mine got me an Erin Condren planner a month ago and it has revolutionized my life. I used to just make a list of everything that I needed to do that week. Now I have a paper calendar that I can use to plan appointments and work and everything at a glance, and a day-by-day breakdown of everything I’ve got going on on a given day as well as everything I need to get done. This has made a huge difference because I know the days that I’m off and can load up on what I need to do on the days that I’m off. It’s really helping me to have an actual plan to every day and week. This is not a sponsored post, but I can’t speak enough about how great this system is. Best part is, I was able to personalize how I wanted the whole thing set up and and how I wanted it to look.
Lastly, a little victory. I’ve lost 25 pounds since January. I plateaued for about 8 weeks, but I seem to be back on the losing track. Mainly through diet and exercise, but I have started intermittent fasting the last month and that seems to have gotten me over the hump. Pinterest for meal and lunch ideas along with prepping has been a God send. It really sucks sometimes (example – I’m not supposed to eat anything for another hour on a 16 hour fast I’m currently doing, and I’m really starting to get hungry. I can absolutely eat if I want, but I really enjoy the sense of accomplishment I get when I see it through. Also there is the benefit of being in a fat-burning state for 4 full hours).
So yeah. That’s where we are this Monday. A little of this, a little of that. A little stability, a little anxiety problem. I guess we’re trending better than normal right now, but it could be better.