The audacity of… hope?

I had a whole post written last night in a response to a pin I saw on Pinterest with the “7 Cardinal Rules of Life.” The cat walked across my keyboard, put my laptop in airplane mode (which I did not notice), and a series of unfortunate clicks before I realized what the problem was, the whole thing was lost. I’ll get back around to it someday. But today is not that day.

I’ve had nothing but let downs and false starts over the last year, if not longer. There’s a lot of balls in the air right now, but I’m starting to feel the stirrings of something I haven’t felt in a long time – hope. Hope that good things will happen. Hope that things are finally turning around. Hope that it will turn out in the end that I made the right choices. Hope that my friends and loved ones won’t regret sticking by me. Hope that I’ll finally be able to crawl out of the pile of shit that I seem to have slid into.

I don’t remember what it’s like to feel hopeful. It seems like for so long I’ve been crushed under the weight of life, the repercussions of my decisions, the constant worry and fear that I’ve done the wrong thing time and time again. Any more it feels like the only thing I know how to do is fail. I’m sick of feeling that way.

I’ve been thinking back over the last year, and I have to say, it’s only by the power of my meds that I haven’t slipped into a crippling depression under all of the stress. I mean, it’s been there, just beyond reach the whole time, but it hasn’t grabbed me and pulled me under. Sure, I’ve had minor blips, but that’s really all they have been – blips. I haven’t spent weeks on the couch, unable to physically move. I’ve managed to remain motivated, I’ve been getting things done. I’ve taken on the vast majority of the chores around the house, including handling all of the finances, most of the cooking, and a lot of the cleaning. Not because I enjoy it, but because it gives me a sense of purpose, and keeps me moving. It gives me things to do every day. A reason to get out of bed. And a nice surprise, I’ve found I enjoy doing a lot of this stuff.

Now anxiety, that’s another bear to deal with. It’s been there, though muted by the CBD I vape. But it has reared it’s ugly head on more than one occasion. There was one major panic attack, and countless crying conversations with Mike. It’s no wonder, under the strain of tight finances, the hassle and intensity of looking for a job, the nervousness of interviews, the dread of working a job I’m so over-qualified for its not even funny.

Actually, now that I think about it – how the hell have I not completely cracked?

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