My anxiety is how I know I’m alive

Had orientation today. We scheduled it before my first day while I’m still at Big Box Hardware Store so I can just jump in and get going when my first day comes.

I had the first realization that – holy shit, I’m management – today. In my orientation were two younger kids, both there to be cashiers. There was a lot of “this doesn’t apply to you” or “we’ll go over how you’ll do that later” directed at me. But… this was the first time that I really had that realization of holy crap, it’s actually happening.

All the while my anxiety is screaming in the background.

You can’t do it.

You’re not good enough.

You’re going to fail.

Then I remind myself that I worked in an incredibly high stress healthcare job that was literally life or death for six and a half years and I survived. I completed a high-level Masters degree while working full time. I’ve done a lot of things in my life that people said I couldn’t do or that I’d fail. And not only am I going to survive this, I’m going to be amazing.

So fuck you, anxiety. Fuck you, mental illnesses.

I got this.

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