Setting the record straight

I’ve been talking a lot recently about my mood, and I’ve had a few people shoot me messages making sure that I’m ok.

Yes, I’m ok. In fact, I really think that I’m better and more stable than I have been in quite some time. And sometimes that feels weird to me.

I really do appreciate the concern, though.

At my therapy appointment last week we talked a lot about my mood and things that have been going on – both recently, and in the past. How events, situations, traumas, successes, hell even people, affect my mood and it’s natural fluctuations.

Every one has changes in their moods throughout the day. It’s normal. It’s expected. Those little peaks and valleys as you move through your day. What concerns me is when those peaks and valleys become mountains and abysses. Over the years I’ve become hyper aware of what my mood is and when and what might be causing it.

That holds true today.

But I have to admit – I don’t really know what true stability – euthymia, if you will – really feels like. I’ve had periods where I thought I was stable, and maybe I was for a short time. But to feel that stability, day in and day out, with the normal hills and valleys of mood changes throughout the day, I just don’t know.

Maybe it’s because I am so hyper aware. I’m constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, for one of those little changes to become a big change. For one wrong change to turn into an episode.

I hate mood disorders. I hate my mood disorder. I hate the fact that I have to deal with this day in, day out.

People have told me that dealing with this makes me a stronger person. I say fuck that. (I’m not entirely sure why, but I hate hearing that, but I do. If you want me to dive into that one day, I will. But know that anything that comes out of it will be weird and disjointed and probably not make a lot of sense.)

Honestly? I think at this point I just need to turn on my heated mattress pad, crawl under my weighted blanket and go to bed.

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