“Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.”

Some of my favorite times of the week is when I get to hang out with Mike. Doesn’t matter if we’re going grocery shopping, cleaning the house, or even just sitting on the couch watching TV (even if one of us is doing something other than watching what’s on). I just enjoy being around him. And I’d like to think that he feel the same.

But times haven’t always been rosy. He’s stuck by my side through a number of episodes, a lot of mini-episodes/”blips,” and just some straight sucky times, mentally speaking.

I’m very lucky.

Not to change the subject… (ok, I do mean to change the subject).

I came to the realization this week that very little of my time is my own. I schedule myself to the teeth between work, things that need to be done, time with friends… but there’s very little time just for me to sit on the couch and read a book, especially with no one else around.

Instead, I blog, I crochet, I cook, I clean, I study. I need to learn to take a break. But I really don’t know how to do that.

I’ve been stuck on Go since I was young. I’ve always been over-involved, over-scheduled, over-burdened. I think part of the reason why was so I always kept myself busy, the bad thoughts and feelings didn’t come in when I exhausted myself every day to the point of passing out. It was a form of self-medication in a very unhealthy way. That’s a scary thought to have.

Ugh. I hate my brain. I hate being inside of my brain.

I need a vacation. (I say that now, but if I actually had a vacation it’d be chock full of stuff to do and not at all relaxing.)