Oh the irritability today. I was stuck in a meeting all day and was totally bored and annoyed and out of sorts. This one kind in particular got my irritability kicking something fierce. You know the type – total asskisser, tries REAL hard to be the best but never actually is, just generally one of those people. When it became clear that everyone was about over it he tried be to funny by being sarcastic, badly. I wanted to kick him in the teeth. I think most of the other people there did too.
My irritation is a ball and chain that I carry around with me everywhere. Most of the time I can keep it contained, but every so often… it rears its ugly head, and I have to do my damnedest to keep it under control. But it’s like a simmering beast inside of me, raging to get out. I hate it. It can be so hard to quiet it down, soothe it until it calms down.
I would have to say that it is my predominant symptom of my bipolar disorder. Well, that and anxiety. And I hate them both.
I’d ask why there can’t be any positives to mental illness, but upon further thinking, I think there is. I mean, I’m a stronger person for it. I’m resilient. I have a better command of my emotional state than the average person. I’m more empathetic. I’m incredibly organized.
So… I guess there are some upsides. But they don’t make up for all of the downsides. And there are a lot of downsides.
I started off this morning with my store manager telling me that I’ve finally been assigned a store, and unfortunately it wasn’t that one. I’d start at the new store on Sunday.
About an hour later, it was off. And then it was back on. And off. And then on, but I’ll start the week of the 2nd rather than this Sunday. You get the picture. This went on all. damn. day.
But I kept my cool. Despite my annoyance, I kept my cool and generally didn’t let it show. There was one customer that tried my patience, but I didn’t snap, I wasn’t rude. Maybe a bit short, but I kept it together. Considering I’m very prone to irritability, this was huge.
I’m proud of myself.
I also went to the gym today. I didn’t need a pep talk to go in, I just got there, went in, and did it. And then I came home and get everything on my list done, despite my desire to come home and sit on my butt and watch SVU.
I FUCKING HATE IRRITABILITY! And to make matters worse, I’m irritable that I’m irritable. It’s like a never ending cycle.
This morning was fine. Had a nice lunch. And then, we went to Walmart. Two Saturdays before Christmas and we had to go to Walmart. I hate Walmart on a Saturday to begin with. It’s too people-y. Today was even worse. The irritability spiked somewhere in dairy, which is also about the time I realized that, not only did I not take my meds this morning, but also that it would be too late to take them by the time I got home.
And now I’m crashing. God damn it. I hate feeling like this. Things were going so well.
I’m hoping this is just a blip. Please, let this be a blip. Just a bad day. I can’t afford for it to be any more than that. I don’t want to go through this. Not now. Not when everything was starting to come together.