“Each of us is more than the worst thing we’ve ever done.”

I don’t know about you, but one way my anxiety manifests itself is by replaying moments in my life that I would have handled differently, that I thought I handled poorly, whatever. Events, that to the people that were involved, don’t matter anymore. I hate my brain. It hangs on to the most ridiculous things versus things it actually should hang on to.

I donated plasma today. Sometimes afterwards I feel great. Today was not one of those days. People ask me often why I donate so often. I have a rarer blood type, AB+, which is the universal plasma donor. Plasma is always high in demand. It’s not that I feel like I have to, but I kind of do. I mean, I kind of feel like it’s my duty. I can help people, so why shouldn’t I?

At work I have this kid working for me. He just started. He is habitually late, doesn’t show because he “doesn’t know his schedule,” etc. The decision was made with his next write up we were just going to fire him. I presented a verbal warning to him the other night about his attendance. During which he promised he’d try harder, he’d do better, I showed him how to get his schedule online so he never didn’t know when he was supposed to be at work, etc. My boss called me a soft heart. And she’s not wrong. I tend to give chances to people that don’t deserve them. I tend to be very empathetic to people’s problems. Hell, the ASPCA commercials get me all teary.

In talking with Mike, he thinks, and I agree, that my disorders have made me overly empathetic. I try to see the good in people more than anything. I give people a lot of chances. Sometimes I think it’s because of all of the chances I was given when I was in the throws of destroying my life. There was a lot of people that gave me the benefit of the doubt, and without those people I’d wouldn’t be where I am today.

I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I need to harden myself, but at the same time, this is who I am. I don’t think I want to change that part of me. I kind of run with the assumption that at some point that’s going to come back and bite me in the ass, but until then? I’m going to keep on like I always do.

Making progress

Went to the gym for the fourth time today after work. It was a tough one, but I did it. And then I came home and ate hot dogs (and no, I’m not kidding). I cheated a little today and went 50cal over my budget for the day, but I’ve been good all week. And 50cal isn’t all that much. I think I’ve got myself planned for Thursday to jump on the scale. We’ll see if there’s any progress.

Work dragged today. When I was doing the schedule first thing in the morning and in the late afternoon when I was doing paperwork it wasn’t too bad. But man, those middle hours dragged on forever. It was actually painful to be at work. I hate days like this. It’s so hard to stay motivated and focused when you want to be anywhere but where you are. On the upside, I’m now halfway through my 8 day stretch. Too bad the hardest part (Monday into Tuesday) is going to be the worst as I close-open between those two days.

As of right now my transfer for next week is still on. But tomorrow is Monday, so who the hell knows what’s going to happen over the next four days. For all I know I’ll be going to Kentucky by Thursday. (For the record, this is not a possibility, but it sure as hell feels like it could be, at this point. I just want to know where I’m going to be, without the Wednesday Hail Mary of “we’re just going to give you a schedule here since we haven’t heard anything else.” I’m over it. I don’t even care where I go or if I stay where I am. I just want some permanence so I can go back to planning my life and having some sense of being grounded and stable. Honestly? With all of this going on, I can’t believe that I haven’t had any kind of even mini-episode. Thank God for meds, I guess. I haven’t even seen my therapist since November, or my shrink since December. For me, this is a miracle. With all of the uncertainty and doubt, the stress of not knowing what’s happening, I’ve managed to stay stable. I’ve managed to stay sane. Even with quitting smoking and going back to vaping, changing my diet, etc.

It’s been a hell of a year so far, filled with ups, downs, and even some sideways, and there’s still 11 months and 5 days left.

Keeping up with the Joneses

I’ve had an Erin Condren planner for about six months. I love it. It keeps me organized, breaks up everything I have to do during the week, and keeps my life together.

But.

I just discovered the world of washi tape, stickers, and all of the cool things that you can put into your planner to jazz it up and make it more yours. I’m trying not to go overboard, but I want all of the things.

I joined a Facebook group about the planners, and I have to wonder, seeing some of the posts people are making how much is just doing what everyone else is doing? I mean, some of these women change the look of the planner entirely until it looks like it’s almost unusable for the purpose of, you know, planning. Like, who can put together the most colorful/arful/whateverful layouts and mods.

These things aren’t cheap – why would you spend all of that money and then change so much of it? I don’t know. I don’t get it. Sometimes it just seems like people are out to outdo each other. I know this group very much exists in a vacuum (and don’t get me wrong, there’s some great ideas that I’ve started to incorporate in my own style), and that there’s thousands of people that use these things in their base form, but some of this seems absolutely insane.

Any way. I found out today that my placement is most likely going to be in the store where I already am. I’m happy about it – I already know the people, I know how the store and my department will function, and I’ll have a partner. All good things. And the commute doesn’t suck. Another bonus.

My mood this week seems to have bounced back from the “depression with phlegm” episode. I still tire easily, but I’m getting my feet back beneath me. It’s been a good week, so far. Work is going well, I’ve been getting stuff done around the house, and I’ve made the pledge that I’m going to start at the gym next week. I signed up for a New Member Orientation tomorrow before work so I can get the lay of the land.

Right now I’m feeling highly motivated – to get the house in order, to get our finances in order, to lose weight, to get organized, basically to get my life together. I don’t want this feeling to end. I see good things on the horizon, if only I can pull everything off. I’ve got a lot of balls in the air, but I’m feeling confident. I just need to start feeling 100% again.

New Year. New Me. Let’s fucking do this.

A bit of smooth sailing this week and something really random

No surprise, as I work in a grocery store, that this week is going to be nuts. Funny story though – I’ve been taken out of my training store for the week and placed in stores that are actually in the region I’m ultimately going to be working in. My training store has been getting killed since Sunday. But here’s the funny part – I’ve been placed in two really small stores, and it has, quite literally, been smooth sailing. I’m getting texts from people from the store about how busy they are and how nuts it’s been. I’ve literally coasted for the last two days. There’s a chance I’ll be back in my training store on Wednesday for the culmination of the mayhem, but for right now, I’m enjoying it.

Mood this week has been pretty stable. I dozed off earlier this evening and woke up annoyed for about ten minutes, so that sucked. But it seems to have abated and I’m back to “baseline,” for the most part. Husband just told me I need to be tested for narcolepsy. While I don’t think that’s really the case, there’s something pretty fucked up about my sleeping and sleep schedule. I have a ridiculously hard time getting up in the morning – I’m talking having to set 15 alarms just to even think about getting up. I end up finally managing to get out of bed 20 minutes before I have to leave, and end up rushing around like a fool, which is no way to start a day. I’m scared to take even melatonin before bed if I have to be up in the morning because I’m worried that I’m going to completely sleep through my alarm.

It’s weird, it’s like my brain knows that I don’t really have to be up until 20 minutes before I leave so it lets me sleep that long, even though getting up earlier would mean an easier time in the morning. I also usually wake up exhausted (and honestly? That running around for 20 minutes is what wakes me up).

I don’t know. I would really just like to get a nice, normal sleep in and wake up refreshed and on time. I need to remember to talk to my shrink about this, but I don’t see him until February.

Now for something totally random – has anyone watched the show “Mountain Monsters?” It’s so bad it’s great. It’s monster hunting meets Scooby Doo meets the Deep South. I can’t describe it. It goes from hilariously bad to hilariously awful, and I love it.