Making progress

Went to the gym for the fourth time today after work. It was a tough one, but I did it. And then I came home and ate hot dogs (and no, I’m not kidding). I cheated a little today and went 50cal over my budget for the day, but I’ve been good all week. And 50cal isn’t all that much. I think I’ve got myself planned for Thursday to jump on the scale. We’ll see if there’s any progress.

Work dragged today. When I was doing the schedule first thing in the morning and in the late afternoon when I was doing paperwork it wasn’t too bad. But man, those middle hours dragged on forever. It was actually painful to be at work. I hate days like this. It’s so hard to stay motivated and focused when you want to be anywhere but where you are. On the upside, I’m now halfway through my 8 day stretch. Too bad the hardest part (Monday into Tuesday) is going to be the worst as I close-open between those two days.

As of right now my transfer for next week is still on. But tomorrow is Monday, so who the hell knows what’s going to happen over the next four days. For all I know I’ll be going to Kentucky by Thursday. (For the record, this is not a possibility, but it sure as hell feels like it could be, at this point. I just want to know where I’m going to be, without the Wednesday Hail Mary of “we’re just going to give you a schedule here since we haven’t heard anything else.” I’m over it. I don’t even care where I go or if I stay where I am. I just want some permanence so I can go back to planning my life and having some sense of being grounded and stable. Honestly? With all of this going on, I can’t believe that I haven’t had any kind of even mini-episode. Thank God for meds, I guess. I haven’t even seen my therapist since November, or my shrink since December. For me, this is a miracle. With all of the uncertainty and doubt, the stress of not knowing what’s happening, I’ve managed to stay stable. I’ve managed to stay sane. Even with quitting smoking and going back to vaping, changing my diet, etc.

It’s been a hell of a year so far, filled with ups, downs, and even some sideways, and there’s still 11 months and 5 days left.

A little of this, a little of that. I'm really bad at these titles.

I’ve noticed recently that my anxiety isn’t acting up at the moment. It’s funny how you don’t notice these things right away. I mean, it’s been at least two weeks since it was noticeable, if I’m remembering correctly (which, let’s face it, I might not be). I checked off “anxious” on my mood tracker one day last week, but looking back it wasn’t really anxious. Maybe more a little unsettled. Not truly anxious, that is.

You know, I sat down with a whole list of topics in mind to write about. But now? I’m drawing a blank.

Oh! I did my first post-flu workout. It was a video I’ve done at least a hundred times before and killed it. I wanted to die halfway through it. My stamina isn’t nearly what it was. But I pushed on and did it, albeit at a lower intensity than I’m used to. It felt good. I’m hoping tomorrow morning to hit the gym before I donate plasma. Wednesday will also be a lighter day at the gym due to the blood donation, but I’m trying to get fighting fit again. I think this is going to be a longer road than I anticipated. On the upside, between the workout and running around like a nut at work I ended the day with a 500+ calorie deficit.

I guess that’s it. If I ever figure out what I was going to write about I’ll be back.